Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Travis' Troubled Timeline In Defending Defender: A Scottish American Fairy Tale

Travis' Troubled Timeline In Defending Defender: A Scottish American Fairy Tale, A Seemingly Indefensible Novel (Think Trying To Build American Style Democracy In The Middle East, Now You Get The Picture).

December 2009: Mother Janet and Travis receive order from Probate Court kicking them out of Grandfather Norman's house, for collection of past nursing home bills by the state.

January 2010: Left with no place else to live, Mother Janet and Travis very reluctantly take beds at the homeless shelter. Note: THERE ARE RULES, IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, LEAVE, OR I'M CALLING THE COPS. (Score 5 Points To Type “A” Extrovert Blowhards, “No I'm The Boss, No I'm The Boss”, You Can Say This Much, PPL Are Afraid To Give Up Control, Since Once You Lose It, You Don't Get It Back).

February 2010: “Unedicated Savidge Cruel Heartless Psychotic White Trash Republican Redneck” Travis Feuds Violently With Brother Connor Over Perceived Diss Of Mother Janet And Profound Misunderstanding Over Family Finances (He Dropped Out Of Accounting With A “D”). Travis Earns Himself And Mother Janet Restraining Orders And Does Not Converse With Brother Connor For Five Years. Travis Wins A**hole Of The Year Award For 2010 And A 5 Year Involuntary Contract With Satan. (Hit “Unfriend”, “Dislike”, “Go Away, I Can't Trust You Anymore” Button)

April 2010: With The Help Of Well Placed Friends, Travis And Mother Janet Are Able To Secure Temporary Housing And Leave The Homeless Shelter. Upon Settling In At New Home, Mother Janet Begins Work On Defender: A Scottish American Fairy Tale, Originally Titled, “Heaven Sent”, Enlisting Travis' Help, Originally Just As Proofreader, Mother Janet Was Like “My Baby, Look But Don't Touch”.

Summer 2010: Mother Janet Brings Good News Of Her New Manuscript To Grandfather Norman, Who Is Superbly Delighted That His “Loser Daughter” Finally Made Something Of Herself After 30 Years, Since “Mediocre Loserdom” Is Such A Horrible Sin, According To The Rules Of The Modern Oligarchy.

February 2011: Grandfather Norman Mercifully Falls To His Six Year Long Protracted Battle With Diabetes, Dementia, And Parkinson's At 86 On February 11.

May 2012: Mother Janet And Travis Are Again Forced To Switch Domiciles When Public Funding On Their Current Program Runs Out. Also, Four Months Earlier, Work On Defender Becomes Stalled For A Year, When Mother Janet Blows Up Computer And Travis' XBOX, Due To Needing To Charge Battery To Sell Extra Car For Rent Money In Cheap Rat Trap Domicile With Bad Wiring. Thankfully, We Had Enough Brain Cells To Back Up On Flash Drive. You Can Plan Some Things, But Not All Things.

January 2013: Mother Janet And Travis Make Tense Diplomatic Mission To Eugene To Retrieve Old Computer Along With Travis' XBOX 360. Work On Defender Resumes, While Travis Spends Six Months Of 12-16 Hour Days Plugging Away On The Last Remnant Game. Mother Janet Is Pissed At Travis (When Was She Not) For Being Such A Colossal Immature Screw Off, Yet He Still Finds A Few Spare Minutes To Proofread. Writing Work On Defender Is Finished By Year's End, Editing Work Begins.

April 2014: Having Received Front Money From Grandfather Norman's Inheritance, Preparations For Mother Janet's And Travis' 8 Year Long Planned Adventure To Northern Nevada Begin In Earnest. Unfortunately, For Mother Janet And Defender, Mother Janet Again, After 30 Years, “Does Not Feel Ready To Publish At This Time”, Due To Impending Move And Not Knowing How To Format Her Sample Or Find Her Target Market (Which I'm Doing Now). Last Time Around, It Was “Not Wanting To Get Rope-A-Doped By Crooked Publishers”. Mama Always Taught Be To Watch Out Closely For Folk With Big Toothy Grins And Crushing Handshakes, They Might Be Putting On A “Put-On”…..

September 2014: Having Arrived In Northern Nevada, And Purchased Some Cheap Crummy Property, Not But A Month Before, Mother Janet Is Brutally Savaged By The Cancer Demon, As Charon's Price Of Our Fare Across The River Styx. Welcome To Hades, I Have Not Been Out Of It Since Then.

December 2014: Mother Janet Mercifully Falls To Her Three Month Short Decisive Battle With Stage IV Metastatic Ovarian Cancer At 64 On December 03, Faithfully Returning To Her Loving Father On Mount Olympus, As I Hope To Someday, Though Some Would Rather I Remain In Hades, SINCE I SCARE AND BOTHER THEM, in this lifetime, like Freddy Kruger And Hannibal Lechter Style. *Nails On Chalkboard* The Gods Must Be Crazy, But I Assert To Be Crazier.

Summer 2015: After Five Difficult And Arduous Months Of Arranging Mother Janet's Two Memorial Services And Completing The Unfinished Move To Northern Nevada That Was Skillfully Broken Up By The Cancer Demon, Travis Attempts, Against The Advice Of All Sane And Logical People, Which Is Pretty Much Everyone But Him “Doomb *ss”, To Resettle In Northern Nevada.

Fall 2015: After Attempting To Restart Work On Defender, Travis Pens Six Page Letter Detailing The Poor Quality Of Care Mother Janet Received During Her Illness, Which Quickly Becomes Poorly Received, And Is Summarily Dismissed As Baseless Factually Incorrect B*llsh*t By Local Citizens, Politicians, Lawyers, And A Medical Review Board, Though Author Of Letter Asserts Differently. A Federal Investigation Ensues. Travis Swears His Innocence Of Wrongdoing By Mother Janet's Good Name, Further Infuriating Law Enforcement (Can You Say Stinging Gnat?). Travis Was A VERY BAD BOY, He Made A Lot Of People VERY MAD, A Lot Of People Wanted To Beat His A**, Yet Could Only Choke And Fume From Being Prohibited From Doing So By Law. Travis Suffers Nervous Breakdown From The Ensuing Chaos And Is Forced To Depart To Oregon In Disgrace. Travis Takes Second A**hole Of The Year Award For 2015. Travis Also Takes Native Name, Chief Four Horse (Four Horses Of Apocalypse, War, Death, Famine, Pestilence, Having Personally Met All Four), Son Of Chaos, On His Facebook Profile. But You Can't Say Eff You And The Horse You Rode In On, Since I Have No Horse.

Summer 2016: Upon Making Arrangements To Place Mother Janet's Ashes In Coos Bay, Where She Raised Me And Brother Connor, Travis Resumes Work On Defender, Amidst The Sudden Passing Of Great Uncle Donald Hurlbert, Aged 90.

September 03, 2016: Travis Releases His First “Market Ready” Draft Of Defender. Excitement, Fame, Prestige, Riches, Right. None Of That. Yet.

Mid September 2016: Third Party “A” Informs Travis His Carefully Beautifully Designed Cover Needs Rework, As Certain People Are Offended By Placement Of Weapons On National Flags. Travis Did Not Know This, But Was Only Mildly Butthurt By This.

Late September 2016: Third Party “A” Then Informs Travis That His Carefully Packed Extras Will Need To Go, Since They Present Legal Risks That Third Party “A” Does Not Wish To Take With Travis. Apparently, Some Still Call It Talking Sh*t, Even If 95% True. According To The Law, There Are Certain Facts That Grown Adults (Which I'm Not), Are Entitled To Keep To Themselves, Including Their Sex Life, Their Financial Patterns, Any Alleged Professional Misconduct Or Bad Business Dealings, And Any Personally Identifying Information (You Know, Stuff A “Tracker With A Vengeance” Could Hunt People Down With). Still, I Think I Should Get To Make The Rules, They Are The Spoiled Toddlers, NOT ME. The World Would Be A More Honest And Fair Place If Secrets Weren't So Heavily Shielded By The Law. But There's That Thing About Control Again, No Secrets, No Control, Anarchy And Chaos Commence. Not Everyone Can Be Trusted With Everything, Least Of All An Utterly Amoral Indecent Loose Lipped Blabbermouth Such As Myself. Needless To Say, Travis Wanted To Plant A Hard Steel Toed Boot Up The *ss Of Third Party “A”.

October 2016: Third Party “B” Informs Travis He Needs To Chop Out His Duplicate Headings, Properly Codify His Table Of Contents, Format Headings, Format Pages, And Scale Images For “Proper DPI” Settings. Travis Is Only Slightly Butthurt By This Criticism.

November 2016: Third Party “C” Informs Travis His Blog Is Too Full Of “Tasteless, Trashy, Politically Incorrect Pizzagate” Third Party (Not Self Made) Content To Run Ads On To Help Pay His Book Promoting Expenses.

December 2016: Travis Gets Very Busy Juggling New Defender Book Site And Defender Blog, Some Complicated Thing About Registering Domains Or Something Like That.

Late December 2016: Third Party “D” Informs Travis That His Book Is Of “Too Poor Quality” To Host On Their Digital Goods Site And “Ta, Ta” And “GOOD DAY AND GOOD RIDDANCE”. Snobby English Tw*tw*ffl*s. How Unkind To Us Lowbrow Low Class Redneck Americans. Third Party “E” Informs Travis His Cover Is “Really Too Offensive”, And The Weapons Need To Go Completely From His Cover, What A Buncha Liberal P*ss*es. I Suppose One Might Say I Prove Their Point By Allowing These Censorship Nazis To Emotionally Bait Me Into Belittling And Insulting Them In Kind. People Like Me Are The Reason People Like Them Exist, People Who Don't Respect Rules Or Authority, Bullies Who Try To Bull Through Everything With Intimidation And Bluster. No Charm, No Honey, No Romance, None Whatsoever. They Say “NO! DON'T! STOP!” I Say “WHY DON'T YOU MAKE ME!”, AND MAKE ME THEY DO. NO CONSCIENCE. NO RESPECT. I GOT HIT, YELLED AT, AND SAT IN THE CORNER A LOT AS A KID, I MEAN A LOT. IF THAT DON'T PUT THE FEAR OF GOD IN YOU NOTHING ELSE WILL. I LOVE PAIN, BOTH GIVING AND RECEIVING. LOVE IT. Travis Spends Two Long Hard Days Normalizing His Already High Blood Pressure Before Returning To Work.

January 2017: Third Party “G” Informs Travis His Other Blog Is A “Fraudulent Con Job” Trying To Solicit Free Money With No Legit Purpose And To “Quit His Bitching Over His Dead Mama's Lost SS Check And Get A G*dd*mn F*ck*ng Job” Again, The Steel Toed Boots Are Starting To Come Out.

Early January 2017: Travis Releases His First Standard Print Edition Of Defender: A Scottish American Fairy Tale, That's Right, Print.

Late January 2017: Travis Releases His Second Short Print Edition Of Defender: A Scottish American Fairy Tale, That's Right, A Shorter Book.

February 2017: Defender: A Scottish American Fairy Tale Wins It's First Reviewer Award. Travis Tactfully Follows Up On Advice From Third Parties “H” And “I” To Rework Cover Image, Amazon Sales Pitch (Was Too Pushy And Aggressive, I Was Told, Travis Gets Told A Lot Of Things, Since He Only Asks For Forgiveness, Not Permission, He Want, He Take, No Discussion, Taking Is Fun, But You Make A Lot Of Enemies That Way, I Have No Friends, Only Enemies I Hate Less), And Putting Out Free Sample Sections. Travis Has Followed Up On Those. Defender: A Scottish American Fairy Tale Is Still A Work In Progress. I Don't Consider It Complete Until It Pays My Retirement. It Is Mine To Sell, As Many Times As I Like, I Just Need To Figure Out How.

February 07, 2017: The Overgrown Spoiled Toddler Who Takes Everything Without Permission Turns 37 Tomorrow, Wish Him Beaming Accolades And Success In Promotion Of Defender: A Scottish American Fairy Tale, And For Him To Not Make Too Many Enemies Too Quickly, Have I Failed To Sufficiently Troll Or P*ss Anyone Off Today?

Early February 2017: Still Artistically Dissatisfied With His Cover Design, Travis Reworks The Cover For Both The Standard And Short Editions Of Defender: A Scottish American Fairy Tale, For What We Hope Is A Fourth And Final Time, Though That Can Still Change With A Traditional Publisher's Contract, Which I Don't Have Yet.

Mid February 2017: Following Up On Advice From Third Party “J”, Travis Skillfully Prepares And Publishes A Four Volume Minibook Edition Of Defender: A Scottish American Fairy Tale, Thoughtfully Separating The Bulk Of The “Non-Fiction” (The Controversial Part), Into It's Own Volume, Aptly Subtitled “Book Four: Non-Fiction”, So As To Permanently Smash The False Notion That I'm Trying To Force Or Trick Potential Book Buyers Into Buying Extra Stuff They Don't Want Or Need (The “Fast Hustle”, Every Marketer's Worst Sin).